Gupdate VII: Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Gift Guide
PLUS: Gupdate Turns One (And This Post Is My Party)!
Good afternoon, Gupdate readers. Sit down. Have a seltzer. Have a cola. Help yourself to some candied orange peels, a slice of date cake, a dollop of sweet cream, and some toasted nuts. I want you to feel comfortable here; comfortable and celebrated. Today we’re celebrating you, because you’re a very special person, and it’s a very special day. What day is that you ask? Why, it’s the One Year Anniversary of Gupdate!
When I started writing Gupdate, on December 17th, 2021, I only set out to write one essay: a recommendation piece about how much I love Los Angeles. I did this because I like writing and I feel that my life is worse without it.1 I had no expectation that anyone would read what I wrote, not because I thought Gupdate would be unreadable, but because I was pretty depressed and didn’t expect much from the world at that exact moment. [INSERT JOKE HERE.]
To my immense surprise, people read Gupdate. A lot of people! A lot more people than I thought knew I existed. I wouldn’t say Gupdate has yet achieved widespread cultural recognition (still waiting for that New Yorker “Intriguing Blogger of the Season” feature), but over the past year a lot of people have reached out to me to say they had a laugh on my little blog, and between you and me, that gives my life meaning. If you’ve reached out this year, or if you’ve shared the essays, or if you’ve just read and enjoyed them– thank you. And if you’re a huge hater who sneaks on here to screenshot every essay so you can talk to your groupchat about how I’m a fake bisexual with delusions of grandeur– thank you. I hope you have the best birthday ever.
So, this month’s topic. It’s not just the birthday of Gupdate! It’s also the birthday of Gus, the titular, from ‘Gupdate’. Yesterday was my grandma Mimi’s birthday as well. Then just around the corner are Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and New Years Eve. At some point it’ll also be the birthday of Christ (or the day he died? Or was brought back? The Nativity scenes at the mall don’t make that clear). I don’t celebrate any of these holidays in a religious capacity, but I enjoy all of them insofar as they mean buying gifts. And if you’re a longtime reader you know that the only thing I love more than giving a gift is giving a whack recommendation.
And so, with that humiliating preamble out of the way, I present to you:
The 2022 Gupdate Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Gift Guide
For Dad
Here are three options for what to buy a dad this December.
A box set of Monty Python DVDs. I’m assuming this dad has a DVD player which he worked hard to set up at some point in the past and thus is not willing to part with, despite the prevalence of streaming. If this dad doesn’t like Monty Python, maybe he will once he watches the box set. If he doesn’t like it after he watches the box set, you’ve given him some clutter to complain about, which is the greatest gift of all.
Some vintage LL Bean. LL Bean sweaters and hats last a long time, they can get a tired dad through a long winter season, and they’re tasteful enough that they can be worn to any supermarket in this great nation. Sunday holiday rush? No problem! Dad’s got his quilted blue fisherman’s vest to protect him.
A money clip. Okay, I don’t actually get what a money clip is, or why you’d have one when you already have a wallet, but I had to recommend them here because a lot of other gift guides recommend them for dads, and I want to “drive traffic” to the site. Oh wait! You could get a dad something for driving– a bumper sticker? A thing in the car to hold his phone? I wish I’d thought of this first. Shoot, maybe next year.
For Mom
There are no universal gifts for moms, because every mom is special and deserves an extremely personal, heartfelt, well-thought-through gift. But if you’re in a pinch you can’t go wrong with a Crystal Horse Art Crystal Pendant.
For Your Groupchat
A groupchat is a special, important thing in a young person’s life. It’s important to think hard about what to get them, especially given that you may get roasted if you do this wrong. Sure, you can go with a meme, and that’s classic. You can go with a link to a YouTube video that turns out to be an unlisted roast of them– and that’s fine, that’s doable, no one can be angry about that. But wouldn’t you prefer something thrilling? Something electrifying? Something like a set of three shocking-grasp prank hand buzzers from WalMart? That way they know you care, but also that they should stay in the group chat. We’re not meeting in person– or else.
For Your Friend’s Pet
A commissioned portrait of a very special little man goes a long way in these trying times. Maybe the two of them together, clad in black velvet? Dipped in lace like a latticework cookie? Maybe an oil painting of the pet sitting on your friend's lap, looking for all the world like a stuffed animal, but with jewel bright eyes that follow the beholder around the room. And maybe someone performs arcane magic upon the painting so that when your friend comes back in the room it looks like their pet has moved slightly. Was the cat’s ear always folded like that? Why are there spots on their fur? Oh god. Is that blood? It looks so much like blood…
For Girls Who Are Cooler Than You
I do not mean to brag, but basically every girl I’ve ever met is cooler than me, so I have some experience in this realm. What cool girls really seem to want is one (1) luxurious thing. One polished wood coffee table, one pair of cashmere gloves, one hyper-specific recommendation for a city you didn’t even know had tourism like that (“Oh you’ve GOT to go to Reykjavík, the architecture is brutal, oh I ADORE Zagreb, the club scene hyperventilates, you’ve NEVER been to Winnipeg?, the Canadian Museum for Human Rights is didactic,” and so on).
So, if you want to get on this level, I would recommend picking your Cool Girl one really nice thing that she’s not going to buy for herself. Think “expensive candle”, then scratch that out, think “luxury makeup”, then scratch that out too, she has both those things. Think “designer purse” then remember you don’t have unlimited money to impress this girl and you’re pretty sure she has a boyfriend who can buy her that anyway (and do cool girls even still do designer purses? Are they doing small and bespoke purses now? What on earth is happening?).
Now calm down. It’s going to be okay. She’s not going to be impressed by you no matter what, so you don’t have to try that hard. Go to ssense.com. Go to the “Everything Else” section. Sort by “Price Low To High”. Now pick whatever you want provided it’s not something her mom would get her for summer camp (don’t buy the hipster toothpaste, don’t buy the hipster soap, I don’t care how much she used to love Wes Anderson). And, if she doesn’t give you something back, that’s okay! At least you only worried about this for like two weeks.
For DJ’s And Guys Who Makes Beats
In my experience, DJ’s and guys who make beats like seltzer and unusual secondhand t-shirts. So hit your local strip mall Goodwill and pick up a case of Spindrift on the way back! And then show up and be like “hey man I got you a present, it’s not a big deal, you doing okay?” And then he can be like “oh dude that’s so chill. Your present is in the mail haha. How are you though? How’s it been?” And then you can spend the afternoon eating sandwiches and talking about how things used to be different. Or! Whatever!
For Your Younger Cousins
Note: I’m 26 so I can’t recommend for anyone older than that. Because then they would be my older cousins. It’s all love tho <3
Cousins Ages 0-3: Hand-me-downs or large soft things to chew on; free babysitting (once), cameraphone photos you email to their parents. Or some good sleep, if you’ve got any handy.
Cousins Ages 3-7: Cool stickers. Temporary tattoo sheets. Limited edition gummy candy that they will throw up later.
Cousins Ages 7-13: Minecraft. If they already have Minecraft, get them Roblox. If they already have Roblox, get them Robux, which is the in-game currency for Roblox. If they aren’t into any of that you could drive them to the park and gaze deeply into the grass.
Cousins Ages 13-18: Take them to the mall with a friend and allow them to be themselves. Ask about their outfit and then really listen. This is the kindest thing you can do at this age as most people do not really listen to teenagers (especially not about outfits). If you find yourself frustrated by their opinions or tone, purchase for them either a. Smoothie, b. Chipotle, c. Starbucks blended drink. Up to you and to them. You can go to PetCo if you want but it will probably be depressing. Do not lose them in Target. If you lose them in Target, all of this was for nothing.
Cousins Ages 18-24: When I turned 18 my aunt started sending me practical care packages: lasagna pans, can openers, herbal teas, keyrings and sweets. These were absolutely life saving and I can’t recommend this approach enough. Between 18 and 24 I was the least able to take care of myself as a person can be and still survive; I think that this is common (based on my data).2 There’s no shame in giving a practical little holiday care package! And if your cousin is allergic to something, make sure to slip a little of that in, just so they can test if it’s gone away since they were 12. What? Adults need to learn to carry their own epi-pens.
For Some People You Know From The Open Mic Comedy Scene
The best present you can get for some people you know from the open mic comedy scene is to put them on your show, or at least follow them back on Instagram. Hint hint. Nudge nudge. Wink.
For People With Work From Home Jobs
If you have a friend who is working from home, they are most likely experiencing seasonal depression. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s extra-hard to leave the apartment when it’s also where you do your job. There was a time when work sucked but it got you out of the house. Now you’re lucky if it gets you to the living room.3
For this work-from-home giftee I recommend something dreaded: doing an activity together. Specifically I recommend bowling. Bowling is great because it gets your friend out of the house without them having to shower or clean up too much. In a bowling alley, you’re safe to drink a pitcher of PBR and eat chicken wings in the dark; but you’re also doing an activity, so you don’t have to talk too much about how time is a spiral and you can’t tell if you’re drifting up or down anymore. You’re too busy staying out of the gutter! Haha! Pay for their shoe rental if you like and can afford it. Also, bowling alleys are full of big lights and sounds, and sometimes it’s nice to be overstimulated. Maybe your friend will be so busy Processing Noises they’ll forget for a sec that they’re sad.
Caveat: if your work from home friend lives somewhere where it’s warm in the winter– I’m looking at you, New Zealand readers– then this advice does not apply. For them you should purchase a bottle of nice tequila, unless they’re sober, in which case you should buy them a cool silk bowling shirt, unless they’re not into that, in which case we’ve ventured beyond a realm where my advice can help you. Godspeed, sober New Zealand friend of a Gupdate reader who doesn’t like silk bowling shirts. I wish you the non-denominational best this December.
For People Who Work in Service
If this person works in a job where they talk on the phone a lot, buy them a device that changes the sound of their voice. It can be a prank app for iOS or it can be a sophisticated mixer with a flanger option or it can be a hand-fan with blades they can sing through. It can even be a balloon with some helium in it. No matter what, you must introduce some voiceover fun into their life. It’s mission critical this holiday season.
If this person works on their feet– say in retail or in food service– get them a spa package. I would recommend a Korean spa if you have one in your area; the Korean Women’s Spa in Tacoma is especially good if you’re in the PNW. If their job is extremely stressful, like they’re a manager at an H&M or they’re a barista like anywhere, try a gift package to a Russian spa. At the one in New York they beat guests' backs with a broom made of oak leaves till they cry out in surrender. This has multiple benefits: one, it helps release the physical stress of working in service; and two, it mimics what your giftee would like to do to their customers. That’s an easy win.
For Your Boss
The best thing you can get for your boss is a funny mug that says “I PROMISE NEVER TO BE LATE TO WORK AGAIN”. However, if you can’t swing that, try the Zazzle generic mug, which says ENTER YOUR TEXT HERE. CUSTOMIZE FONT, COLOR & SIZE. This lets your boss know that you thought of them, but not so much that your relationship is personal. It’s work appropriate, you understand?
For A Jewish Transgender Person
The best gift for a Jewish transgender person is a knife. A practical option is a Swiss Army knife with a Star of David on it. This says, “if you need to file your nails you can, if you need to pull out a splinter you can, and if you need to cut open the hard shell casing on a Switch game you can.” The versatility of a Swiss Army Knife means that it’s many presents in one, and the cute blue plastic goes with every outfit.
If this person likes to cook, you can instead get them a little paring knife for detailed kitchen tasks. Nobody wants to buy themself a nice paring knife, but everyone loves having one, especially when it’s garlic time. Here’s a cute option which doesn’t explicitly relate to being Jewish or transgender but could perhaps be customized with some sort of sticker.
If this person is a collector andor a dork, get them a Damascus knife off Etsy. They look dope, they work fine, and yeah, they’re not the famed Damascus steel of the Middle Ages, but the only people who know that are people who already own a bunch of knives, and if that’s who this person is then you shouldn’t be buying them stuff off Etsy. Instead you should get them an anime wall scroll.
For Big Readers
For the readers in your life, you should purchase this Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings “Read” Poster. It’s $18, it’s huge, it funds the American Library Association, and it reminds me of middle school. What more could they want? A book? Oh, god, don’t buy them a book. That’s the one thing they already have.
No I wasn’t bored! I was just “in a slow moment.”
Source: My friends all also seemed Pretty Confused.
Not true for me, as I neither work from home nor have a living room. I’m simply putting my back into this second person perspective.