Gupdate XI: Best In Show II
This Post Contains Spoilers for the Westminster Dog Show. I Feel Like If You Care You Already Know Who Won? Am I Wrong About That? Anyways,
I am a known enjoyer of the Westminster Dog Show. For the untrained, unwalked, and unhousebroken, Westminster is a two-day event where human judges compare purebred dogs against their breed standard and then decide who’s most perfect. It’s hunting lodge kitsch existentialism: which of these living creatures is a Platonic ideal of itself? And does it like to walk in a circle?
When I bring up The Dog Show, people tend to have a lot of questions, most of which boil down to “So you watch this for fun?”1 Yes: Because I love dogs; homosexuals; trophies; friendly handshakes and ancient rivalries; ridiculous pomp and competitive women in flats. Look at that purple. It thrills me.
What might interest my readers en re: dog breeds? I’m going to say something you’re not going to like now… Dog breeds teach us economic history. Okay. Sorry! He/him has entered the Gupdate! My only point is, dogs are the original companion species,2 so tracing the history of a single dog breed can take you back ten thousand years, with a quick stop at the park down the street. Humans have brought dogs with us as we’ve spread our species across valley and fjord, and everywhere we’ve gone we’ve changed dogs to suit our circumstances. Follow the breed and learn human priorities. Priority one: give it a weird little face.
Now Showing: Gupdate Coverage of Fox Sports Coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show3
Working Group: Giant Schnauzer
When I was 17 I took our family dog Pepper (a big worried mutt4 from the East Side) to a dog run in South Seattle. There happened to be a Giant Schnauzer there that day, resplendent in Bigness and Shape. He attracted attention. A scruffy stoned dog-dad took his turn giving the Schnauzer a pat and then learned towards me, a secret glee lighting his face. He whispered, so quiet only I could hear it, “This dude is wearing pajamas!”
And the group goes to: Giant Pajama Wearer!
Sporting Group: English Setter
A setter is a type of gundog. Gundog– a phenomenally weird word, no? A girl is a gun but a dog never could be. A dog is a friend. And, per the English country tradition, a friend is someone with whom you shoot quails.
Gundogs are bred for three major sets of instincts: retrieving, flushing, and pointing. Setters are bred for pointing instincts, though they do not actually “point”. They track prey by scent, and when they catch wind of it, they alert their companion by freezing in a “set”. Hence “setter”.
Some of the best loved dogs in America are technically gundogs. Poodles are waterdogs, bred to hunt birds. Spaniels specialize in flushing game out from brush. Even the Golden Retriever was bred to bring sunglasses back from their watery lakeside graves (and thus we get the modern “fetch”). When next you walk in the suburbs, take note of these dogs' athleticism as they sprint across lawns, and consider: Just because you were born to hunt doesn’t mean you can’t choose peace. Peace, sticks, tennis balls…
Herding Group: Australian Shepherd
What are they even herding in Australia? Hold on–
…
–Wikipedia says the Australian Shepherd was bred in California in the 1800s and has little connection to the country of Australia. Well. Hollywood narcissism conns the nation again.
I must say that I like a shepherd dog. They’re smart, hard-working and cheerful. Beautiful coats and they won’t let you go to the bathroom alone. They’re like the best of sorority girls (minus the Snapchat News). Before you screenshot, I’m not saying that women are like dogs! I am saying some dogs are like women. And some cats are like men. And men and women are opposites, the same way that cats and dogs are opposites: Not At All, Really, except as they get played against each other on television.
Terrier: American Staffordshire Terrier
I must admit, this dog has a very Dogish look to him. A sort of ur-dog, proto-dog, a kind of Firm Doggishness. I know he loves kibble. I’m sure he’d enjoy a scratch. I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would protect me from the mailman.
And O! How terribly sturdy…
Hound Group: Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen
I’m a sucker for a dog that looks like an old man. The Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen (or PBGV) is an outstanding example of this sort of tomfoolery. The whiskers, the eyebrows, the old-world eye twinkle– that dog wants to teach you pinochle.
The PBGV you see above actually won Best In Show this year. His name is Buddy Holly! Professional dog handlers sometimes talk about how much the dogs love the performance aspect of the shows. They say the hounds get excited and do better with the cheers of the crowd at their backs. If that’s the case, a name like Buddy Holly might form a good luck charm, letting your little old man channel that rock n roll spirit. Now if they could just teach a dog to wear specs and play the rhythm guitar. That’ll be the day…
Nonsporting Group: French Bulldog
The French Bulldog just accomplished something huge. The breed has become so beloved that, in 2022, it unseated the Labrador Retriever as the most popular dog in America. Why? Because Frenchies are silly and cute! The announcer at this year’s Westminster said:
“After being exported to France these funny little clowns–” (here he barely stifles a laugh–) “these funny little clowns became very popular in Paris!”
O! To be a funny little clown, very popular in Paris! Or Manhattan, Santa Monica, Dade County, Salt Lake– one has a variety of options if one is as charming as a French Bulldog. Perfect for apartments, TV-watching cuddles, or dressing in a tiny hat.
Where you find dogs you find commerce, and where you find commerce, you find war. From a letter to Her Majesty Queen Victoria:
"This little dog was found by me in the Palace of Yuan-Ming-Yuan near Pekin on the 6th of October 1860. It is supposed to have belonged to either the Empress, or one of the ladies of the Imperial Family. It is a most affectionate and intelligent little creature – it has always been accustomed to being treated as a pet and it was with the hope that it might be looked upon as such by Her Majesty and the Royal Family that I have brought it from China."
John Hart Dunne, Captain, 99th Regt.
The 6th of October 1860 refers to the date that British and French troops captured the Old Summer Palace, Imperial residence of the Qing dynasty, and looted it beyond recognition. Six days later, the same troops destroyed the residence in its entirety. The scope of the palace was such that it took 4,000 men three days to complete its destruction. Many of the stolen relics are still shown in museums around the world. By contrast, Dunne’s Pekingese got off easy, what with being shipped back to England and gifted to the Queen as a living spoil of the Second Opium War.
Queen Victoria accepted the Pekingese that Dunne referenced in his letter. She named her Lootie– a chilling joke about how the dog was acquired. Lootie was the first Pekingese to set foot on British soil, but they quickly became popular, and now the beautiful toys are a hit at Westminster. Many toy breeds were intended for royalty, but few have lived so directly in the court of imperialism as the fluffy, cushion-like Pekingese.
This is the strangest part of the Dog Show: to see so much human will pressed into the form of a living thing. To see 1,000 years of history in an ear, or a coat marking. How did these creatures come to work with us? To live in our homes and romp in our fields? Lootie’s life is a disturbing snapshot of empire; but the gundog and the shepherd and even the French Bulldog are still connected to that story. Work becomes form, form becomes standardized, standardization becomes beauty. The past is present if you know where to look. At Westminster, you start with the haunches.
Stream Best In Show.
Sometimes acquaintances bring incisive questions like “so there are prizes?” (yes) or “do they fight?” (no) or once memorably “Are the dogs supposed to be hot?” (depends on who you ask).
See Donna Harraway’s Companion Species, full PDF available free online. Great read if you’re into microorganisms.
I didn’t get tickets. They are so expensive. If I ever monetize Gupdate, funds will go directly to such journalistic endeavors.
Is the word “mutt” not PC? It brushed a nerve in me while editing. I looked it up, and the abridged dictionary said it comes from the American term “muttonhead”. When I tried to learn about “muttonhead” I got paywalled. Apparently that’s in the unabridged dictionary which I need a subscription to pay for. I’m not subscribing to the dictionary! You must think I’m some kind of muttonhead!
Which dog do u think I am
Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut 🥜